Note: The MC, Lacey, is not drunk.
The room spins harder. Faster.
Red. Purple. Green. Orange. A meld of them tangles me, vibrant bands strangling my vision, knotting it, smudging it. Shades of the rainbow poison my sight. My eyes gasp for clarity but all they see is red. Purple. Green. Orange. I am drowning in ribbons of color.
BADUM. BADUM. Music pounds in my ears, my head throbbing the beat of Lil Wayne. BADUM.
Whoosh.
The blur of people.
Spinning. Whirling. Blending.
Over and over and over again. Repeat. Repeat.
No pause. Just repeat.
I clutch my head.
Clamp my eyes shut.
Drop my cup. Feel the water splash on my feet.
Sit down on the floor. Rest my back against the wall.
Curl up.
Cry.
Clutch my head. My stomach.
Curl up.
Cry.
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25 comments:
Aw, sweetie. You know I feel for the TBI folks.
This is a lovely way of describing the confusion
Lovely play of words, colours, everything :)
Barring the first two paras, it read like a verse novel.
Hooked!
shades of rainbow poison my sight
i am drowning in ribbons of color
i love those lines...beautifully written
Your play on words is really good, and i especially like the "I am drowning in a ribbon of colour". Poetic
Really nice description. I have to agree with others that have pointed this out, but I loved this line as well
"Shades of the rainbow poison my sight."
The play on words is amazing, love the colors, makes me feel like I could close my eyes and see it all... very nice description!
Sometimes during descriptions of dazed-ness or confused-ness, I get really lost and confused, but this one was pretty clear and easy to follow, while at the same time gave me a sense of what it would be like to be in her head. I like it.
I love the way the colors are moving and your style is so my thing. Love all the staccato moments. But I also really love your metaphors: tying in a Lil Wayne beat is an awesome use of the language. This ms sounds really interesting.
This snip has some serious teeth. Clastrophobic and dizzying, it made me just the right amount of uncomfortable (in the best possible way).
I love this teaser...your writing is very fluid, while dizzying, and perfect for the concept! Brilliant! :)
Yeah, I agree--this totally read like a verse novel to me. Your writing is lovely. I'm curious--does your MC have a TBI, as Sage mentioned? If so, email me. :)
WOW. So full of emotion and feelings. GREAT job!
Thanks everyone!
@Sage and @houndrat: My MC has a concussion, but she only got it the night before this scene takes place, so she doesn't know what's wrong just yet ;)
It's always exciting to share a new book with the world for the first time. Best of luck with "Damaged"!
This is beautiful BC!
Great snippet, BC! Love the expressionism in your description. It's very intriguing and really gets me into the head of your MC so to speak. I'm looking forward to read more of this :)
This snip is great, BC! It really caught me up and started making ME dizzy. Great description!
Love Love Love Love This!
Great imagery; I can really feel as if I'm in the shoes of the narrator. Nicely done
This is really striking. Love it!
I love this! Incredible prose and overwhelming amount of emotion with few words.
"I am drowning in ribbons of color" - love this line:) And I think the tense works really well for the context (and I'm usually not a huge fan of present tense).
As for the second half, the sentence-fragment motif lost a lot of its punch because of the repetition. I've never had a concussion, and maybe this is exactly how it is. But I started skimming about halfway through those paragraphs and never settled back into the snippet.
Oooooh... I remember this from FNW. Loved it. I feel your words in my gut. I love the short fragments. It really works.
Thanks for the feedback everyone!
@Krista: Thank you for pointing that out! I'll definitely try shifting some things around to see if I can make it stronger.
This is great! So poetic!
wow. i feel like i'm right there with you. thanks for stopping by beautiful chaos, and for following. i always love connecting with teen writers.
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i love the comments and appreciate each and every one. i try and return them on your blogs ;)