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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Teaser Tuesday: Damaged

I am posting the debut snip for my new WIP, Damaged. It's based off my last year with a concussion, and so far it's been hard to write, but really fun. I'm trying present tense for the first time, and a new style of writing, so let me know what you think.

Note: The MC, Lacey, is not drunk.


The room spins harder. Faster.

Red. Purple. Green. Orange. A meld of them tangles me, vibrant bands strangling my vision, knotting it, smudging it. Shades of the rainbow poison my sight. My eyes gasp for clarity but all they see is red. Purple. Green. Orange. I am drowning in ribbons of color.

BADUM. BADUM. Music pounds in my ears, my head throbbing the beat of Lil Wayne. BADUM.

Whoosh.

The blur of people.

Spinning. Whirling. Blending.

Over and over and over again. Repeat. Repeat.

No pause. Just repeat.

I clutch my head.

Clamp my eyes shut.

Drop my cup. Feel the water splash on my feet.

Sit down on the floor. Rest my back against the wall.

Curl up.

Cry.

Clutch my head. My stomach.

Curl up.

Cry.

25 comments:

Sage said...

Aw, sweetie. You know I feel for the TBI folks.

This is a lovely way of describing the confusion

Bee said...

Lovely play of words, colours, everything :)

Barring the first two paras, it read like a verse novel.
Hooked!

Karla Nellenbach said...

shades of rainbow poison my sight
i am drowning in ribbons of color

i love those lines...beautifully written

Glen Akin said...

Your play on words is really good, and i especially like the "I am drowning in a ribbon of colour". Poetic

lynkay said...

Really nice description. I have to agree with others that have pointed this out, but I loved this line as well

"Shades of the rainbow poison my sight."

Jen said...

The play on words is amazing, love the colors, makes me feel like I could close my eyes and see it all... very nice description!

V said...

Sometimes during descriptions of dazed-ness or confused-ness, I get really lost and confused, but this one was pretty clear and easy to follow, while at the same time gave me a sense of what it would be like to be in her head. I like it.

La-La-La-Laurie said...

I love the way the colors are moving and your style is so my thing. Love all the staccato moments. But I also really love your metaphors: tying in a Lil Wayne beat is an awesome use of the language. This ms sounds really interesting.

Kathleen said...

This snip has some serious teeth. Clastrophobic and dizzying, it made me just the right amount of uncomfortable (in the best possible way).

Melissa said...

I love this teaser...your writing is very fluid, while dizzying, and perfect for the concept! Brilliant! :)

houndrat said...

Yeah, I agree--this totally read like a verse novel to me. Your writing is lovely. I'm curious--does your MC have a TBI, as Sage mentioned? If so, email me. :)

Kristin said...

WOW. So full of emotion and feelings. GREAT job!

bclement412 said...

Thanks everyone!

@Sage and @houndrat: My MC has a concussion, but she only got it the night before this scene takes place, so she doesn't know what's wrong just yet ;)

Deniz Kuypers said...

It's always exciting to share a new book with the world for the first time. Best of luck with "Damaged"!

Horserider said...

This is beautiful BC!

dystophil said...

Great snippet, BC! Love the expressionism in your description. It's very intriguing and really gets me into the head of your MC so to speak. I'm looking forward to read more of this :)

Caitlin R. O'Connell said...

This snip is great, BC! It really caught me up and started making ME dizzy. Great description!

Mortem Twins said...

Love Love Love Love This!

Great imagery; I can really feel as if I'm in the shoes of the narrator. Nicely done

Amy Saia said...

This is really striking. Love it!

LizPage said...

I love this! Incredible prose and overwhelming amount of emotion with few words.

Krista V. (the former Krista G.) said...

"I am drowning in ribbons of color" - love this line:) And I think the tense works really well for the context (and I'm usually not a huge fan of present tense).

As for the second half, the sentence-fragment motif lost a lot of its punch because of the repetition. I've never had a concussion, and maybe this is exactly how it is. But I started skimming about halfway through those paragraphs and never settled back into the snippet.

Kathy Bradey said...

Oooooh... I remember this from FNW. Loved it. I feel your words in my gut. I love the short fragments. It really works.

bclement412 said...

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

@Krista: Thank you for pointing that out! I'll definitely try shifting some things around to see if I can make it stronger.

Amna said...

This is great! So poetic!

Michelle Gregory said...

wow. i feel like i'm right there with you. thanks for stopping by beautiful chaos, and for following. i always love connecting with teen writers.

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